It's December

December is here.

December is here and it sounds like that scene in Interstellar when they're chasing a drone in the cornfield.

I'm so tired and physically beat, but I can't let a day like this slip by. I'm so anxious and excited for this month, whenever it comes I feel like everything has to be done right and that it's my responsibility to go all-out and I can't sleep or sit still.

I turn 18 and I've been saying that all year, but now that I have less than a week as a minor it's becoming way too real.

It's December 2020 and covid's been running us since March. And isn't it amazing.

It's December.

I'm mad bc they're not letting me download these...here's a blog post for when I feel down I guess

 

@wkorea

##버논 이 보여주는 막간 묘기! 과연 에디터의 핸드폰은 무사할까요?!(feat.민규) 😱😱 @seventeen17_official ##Vernon ##세븐틴 ##SEVENTEEN ##Semicolon ##세븐틴홈런

♬ 오리지널 사운드 - W Korea (더블유 코리아)

@wkorea

민규가 몰래 담아낸 ##원우 의 촬영현장 비하인드? 👀📹 @seventeen17_official ##WonWoo ##세븐틴 ##SEVENTEEN ##Semicolon ##세븐틴홈런

♬ 오리지널 사운드 - W Korea (더블유 코리아)

A Day in the Life with Me as a CAL Intern

July 7, 2020 - A Day In the Life as a CAL Intern

It's my second week working as a Community Artists as Leaders Intern at Artists Working In Education and my experience is very different this year. 

Last year I worked as an Artist In Residence Intern and I had no idea that I'd be doing everything virtually a year ago. Overall it's been a nice experience. I work less hours this year but it still takes a lot of work. I have to work on projects for both Rising Artists Council and my job, but it's fun because all of it involves collaboration and feedback.

The only challenges I've had so far is making sure I organize all of my emails and things that are shared with me (more of a personal thing) and connection issues when meeting over Google Meet. Another challenge was just adjusting to how everything was virtual. It's different meeting with people over Google Meet, especially since I worked hands on making art projects with kids every day last year. I'm glad my job isn't entirely virtual, but it still takes adjusting.

So far I've sketched out a design for a pathway mural project we're working on (I'm typing this on July 8th: Today everyone met up at the AWE office and we all sketched out more designs for the pathway and talked about what designs would look best). I'm also working on two projects for Rising Artists Council (runs on Mondays from 5-6 PM).

A Day At Work ^^^ 

I usually have my alarm set for either 9 or 9:30. Today my alarm went off at 9 but I slept in an extra hour. One of the things I like about doing everything virtually is that I don't have to get out of my pajamas right away to go somewhere. I like being able to work from home at times.

I ate breakfast by 10:50 (today I made pancakes). I don't wake up hungry but when I do I usually want something sweet. 

By 11:40 I changed into a comfortable outfit for my meeting. I don't go all out with my outfits, but I still make sure I look decent.

sketching out designs on sketchbook

I don't have a certain place I work from in my house, but I prefer my basement. If I'm not working from there I'll work from my room and find a comfortable place to sit at the foot of my bed. My setup includes a mouse and mouse pad, Wacom tablet for sketching ideas, small sketchbook, small pad of paper, and pencil pouch. I usually play lofi beats on Spotify on the tv as background/work music.

At 12 I met with John, Abi, Audrey, Roland and Demonte on Google Meet to sketch and brainstorm designs for a future pathway mural project. So far we meet virtually on Tuesdays and Thursdays and in-person on Wednesdays (wearing masks and socially-distancing).

Our meets go from 12-3 PM, but today we ended early at 2 as we were done with designing. I closed out the day by using the extra hour to work on one of my RAC projects.

Permission was granted by those featured in this blog to use these pictures

cred: me

No Justice, No Peace. My Piece.

I'm so tired.
Even in covid, racism still exists. This is the year of hell

WARNINGS: mentions of murder, death, police brutality, depression, and injustice

*From a recording I took in my garage

(let me just see if this door can be shut...I don't live in the south but I don't really want people hearing me {it was weird saying everything out loud even though I was in my garage and my neighbors who were having little kids run around in their backyard probably couldn't hear me})

Um...it's gonna be weird

So with the killings that have been going on and with George Floyd...

Black lives in America have always been threatened. We've always been in a position where we're gonna be killed. It's just not fair what's happening. It's just so much to even talk about.

I'm recording this and talking about it because I want to get my feelings out and I usually do it through art and music.

Enough is enough. We're literally in a pandemic and people are going outside everyday with masks on and doing all these things and we still have to protest black lives and injustice.

People still to this day want to say all lives matter. I don't understand how..I just don't have the energy. Even as I speak now I don't have the energy to even correct people anymore.

I'm just in a state of shock right now (This wave hit me where I just went blank and the only thing I could control was my speech. My face was very deadpan).

This country is...I've always had issues with it. I'll talk about my identity in another blog post. Basically this country has always tried to define me and these narrow minded people...(I'll save this energy for another post).

I just think that what's going on is not it at all. My school hasn't said anything about it on their Facebook page and same with these Kpop industries and idols on Instagram. It's not surprising it's just disappointing.

There should be no debate that a video of an officer kneeling on someone's neck is right or acceptable or ok. That stuff is traumatizing and blatantly murderous, but officer Chauvin was still charged with third-degree murder when we literally have a video of him on camera suffocating this man George Floyd. That's 3rd degree? Really?

Isn't it ironic that the officer's last name defines him.

Anyways, third-degree murder is "defined as killing someone unintentionally" (resource). UNINTENTIONALLY. What this means is that Chauvin's charge basically says, "No officer, there's no way you meant to kill George in that video. You were probably just playing around when you kneeled on his neck and took his life. You couldn't have really meant it."

You're kneeling on someone's freaking neck and they can't breathe, but it's third-degree.

It's super tiring and you can hear it in my voice.

Every time I go on Instagram I constantly see people taking action. Posting, donating money, helping out protesters here in Milwaukee, which I appreciate and think is cool because it does need to happen.

As said before, I also look and see that none of these Kpop accounts (besides the entire DPR crew, Jay Park, Jessi, and Mark from GOT7) are really speaking up or acknowledging it. It's just kinda like ok, you literally benefit off of black culture and fashion but...ok.

I know why these labels and idols can't and don't say anything about it but it's like dang ok (tiring).

Corona already had lots of people feeling hopeless and depressed and psychologically messed up and George Floyd was the final straw. There's been so many other killings of black men in America and it's sad that another black man's death had to happen to cause this change and uprising. I'm not happy that this happened, but I'm happy that people are finally starting to make a change.

I also don't think this should be a trend. I feel like a lot of people - maybe they don't realize it - are jumping on the black lives matter movement because it's what's in front of them and is what is "popular" right now.

White people and non-black people of color are finding out just now how messed up and corrupt stuff is - that's great, we've always known. Whenever I log onto Instagram I'm always seeing it - the videos of countless black men and women being abused by officers - and it's tiring. I'm always seeing it and it doesn't add anything.

I'll do what I can but not on Instagram. If I go onto Instagram I'll immediately go to my explore page to look at Avatar The Last Airbender memes. I've stopped looking at my friends' stories, not because I want to ignore, but because it's too much to look at.

I'm happy that these white celebrities - Ashton Irwin, Harry Styles, Taylor Swift - are using their platforms to bring light to the issue and fight for black equality. I'm slow to hype them up for it though because it's basic human decency and it's a basic expectation that they should support the movement and equality.

I talked to my friend after taking this recording about what's going on. Some people are fighting this injustice in their own way. Not everyone who's "silent" on Instagram is ignoring it.

You can do so much more than rely on Instagram for facts. Go beyond Instagram to make a change. Yes, posting is doing something, but it's not all you can do.

That's really it and that's all I have to say. Everyone please do what you can, not what you feel like you should be doing.

Today's also Black Out Tuesday, so here are a few websites to look at:

Info on BlackOutTuesday

National Museum of African American History and Culture

Snopes (for facts and reliable info)

Black Lives Matter

How to Help

5 Songs On Current Loop

Then just tell me what's your number

Oh rolls, royce, do you like?

1. ZTao - AI

I'm actually listening to this song while blogging about it. I've been streaming it since February. I recently got into Tao again after news that he legendarily cussed out Trump for his racist remarks towards a reporter. Had to remind myself that Tao really does not play and is a whole king. Also stream Black White, my power anthem.

2. BewhY - My Land
This song is also a power anthem. It makes me feel a sense of pride. I don't think you have to be Korean to feel moved by it. I discovered BewhY back in April when I watched his music video for GOTTASADAE. Another favorite of mine is "Transcend", a song that reminds me a lot of Calvin Harris's music and gives me an early 2010's feel.

3. Tame Impala - Breathe Deeper
So I didn't actually know a lot about Tame Impala before listening to this song and album. I knew them for a few songs and remembered their hit "Elephant" from a commercial I once saw. This is probably the most chill song on this list. I imagine dancing on rollerskates to it. Stream their album, The Slow Rush.

4. Shakka - When Will I See You Again 
I heard this song a lot on Tik Tok. I think I've worn it out too much, but it's still valid. This song gives me graduation vibes. Like I imagine everyone graduating and this song plays, like in a movie ending-type of style. It gets me emotional but not in a teary way. Actually, maybe a little bit. The high note that happens at 2:53 adds to the song's magic. It's funky, yet nostalgic.

5. DPR LIVE - GERONIMO! 
This song is so...catchy...and adventurous. It makes me feel like I'm in an airplane or rocket ship (that may just be because of the white cabin noise in the background though). The overlapping vocals throughout the song (I've got nowhere to run) give it that "I'm ACTUALLY falling-through-the-sky" type of feeling. This song sounds like it's in 4D. DPR LIVE, aside from being good-looking, is also really artistic, and you can here that in this song. He and his group are worth looking into, and a good place to start would be here.

sources -

ZTAO
BewhY
Tame Impala
"Elephant" Commercial
Shakka
Dream Perfect Regime 

What Now

It's over, but not yet.

I've been teaching myself and attending online classes for 8 weeks, and tomorrow I'm finally done

Besides God and music, I don't really know how I've made it this far. Time just kind of kept going on, like it does, day after day.

There are things I've done to try and stay happy. I spent 2 weeks learning choreography to a song, talked with some friends for nearly 2 hours over Teams, and snacked. I've even made some art and I'll eventually get to making more once my artist's block leaves.

I also feel on edge and pressured. I feel stressed because as a junior I don't know what my future looks like. There's rumored to be a second wave of the virus coming in the fall. My state's supreme court just overruled the lockdown that was going to be in place until May 26. We have no plan.

I'm stressed because people who go outside and disobey social distancing rules are going to prolong this virus. If we don't follow rules, this thing will get worse. People are dying.

I'm stressed and angry at people who think they can go outside now, stressed at seeing comments for class attendance of people saying they look forward to hanging out with their friends this summer.

I feel for my friend who can't fly back to his home and is watching the news everyday, saying how he's actually seen the anti-lockdown protesters.

All of this is happening and I'm only 17. In 7 months I'm an adult. I'll probably have to sacrifice senior year homecoming and other school events that would've been my last. It's crazy to think about. The summer is an unknown.

I've been teaching myself and attending online classes for 8 weeks, and tomorrow I'm finally done.

It's over, but not yet.

sources-
picture

Why I'm Rethinking This

*note: aside from slight modifications, this post is coming straight from my diary, a very raw entry. 

May 11, 2020, 12:44 AM

In quarantine my school requires that I'm online everyday.

When I'm not doing homework, you'll find me on Instagram. I'm on the app everyday; not healthy, I know. I mainly use it to talk to friends and clean out my feed and go on my explore page. It's also one of my only ways to get in touch with the friends who's numbers aren't saved to my phone.

I like Instagram, but there's a lot of problems with the app. Like, it gets boring and toxic after a while. I have what I think is the most clear feed now and my explore page is a LOT different than what it used to be (I've had Instagram for nearly 2 years), but no matter what I always find myself wanting to search up the accounts of people who I'm not even close to in real life.

Instagram's "Story" feature really irritates me sometimes. I haven't posted on my story a lot at all except for yesterday (Mother's Day) because it's so freaking pointless. I used to give people time and energy when I'd post on my story.

I'd post about K-pop and put pictures of myself on my story and use filters and add songs that I liked, and honestly only 50-some people would "view" it. I say "view" meaning people look at it for 2 seconds and then move on.

This isn't always the case because there are people who do actually care and take interest in me on the app. A lot of times though I assume people will literally just click through my story - that I'll think is meaningful - and view it for 2 SECONDS. Like I'll spend near 10 minutes overthinking a story post that someone will only view for 2 SECONDS???  That's an issue!



Instagram also plays other mind games with me and its users even if we don't pick up on it all the time, which is why I'm cutting back from posting at the moment. Every time I'm about to post anything it takes a mental chunk out of me. It makes me think thoughts that are self-damaging because I know that everyone is going to see what I post.

The app promotes posting and sharing pictures and videos, so why do I feel like I'm already being judged for my actions before I post?

It's because Instagram makes you care when you shouldn't care, and then promotes how you "shouldn't care". It's near impossible to have the app and truly not care about what people think of you and post what you want.

There's times when I wanted to go crazy and post about K-pop boys and male K-pop groups on my story, but my mind went "They're going to think you're a Korea-boo" and "If your crush sees this he'll think you're weird and that you only like him because he's Asian". It's always the same self-damaging lies that happen pre-posting.

No, I haven't gotten rid of the app, and I don't think I will for a while. I still use it to talk to my friends and post things I create on my art account. I can't change the app, but I can change the way I use it.  My main issues with Instagram are that people aren't given true respect and credit and stories are dumb. Also seeing food porn (glamorized portrayal of food) every day on my explore page can get annoying.

Next is the topic of YouTube. No I'm not biting the hand that feeds me.

I wasn't around for the "glory days" of the platform but I know YouTube used to be a lot different. I can't believe I'm being one of those people who say "YouTube isn't fun anymore" but I am and I get why people say it.

There are creators on YouTube who always want to spend 9 MINUTES promoting the entire entertainment industry at the beginning of their videos. I'll be sitting there watching like "Can you just start?" and real connection is lost as soon as they start promotion. If I'm on the app I'm either watching Insider, model and fashion runway videos, or anything K-pop (like this video series by Johnny from NCT. NO PROMO!!).

You won't catch me watching a lot of influencers because I find their promotion annoying. When I uploaded an unlisted YouTube video of a class assignment that I did with my friends, I noticed that the upload process was a lot different. YouTube basically said "Oh, you can add  all of these promo features on your videos now". I sat there like "I literally just want to put a video on here with no tags or any of that for a class don't make this complicated???"

I spent a lot of time on YouTube yesterday and I was watching a video of a girl who rated celebrities on how they coped with quarantine during the pandemic (I won't link her video for multiple reasons). SHE is the reason why I only watch music videos or creators that I trust.

Her video also made me realize that you'll never be able to fully express and explain yourself on the internet. In her video she commented on a video of Madonna in a petal-filled bath tub saying "(Covid) is the great equalizer". She also brought up Gwyneth Paltrow's new candle and how she thought it was weird, when these celebrities could care less!

This girl didn't realize that she was bringing light to their names even if she wasn't talking about them in a positive light. Some actors and celebrities are also performing artists and can drop weird content online and dip all the time because they know it will cause discussion and bring them attention in the end.

I combined this realization with what I came to earlier about "not being able to fully express yourself online". I realized if I was a celebrity, I would be dropping "weird" content too! Right now I know myself well enough and I know that the internet is vast yet limited. People can chose if they want to understand you or not.

A person who came to mind when I thought of this was Harry Styles. This man tweeted the word "Do" and people freaked out. Now I understand. I think Harry knows himself well enough - then and now - that he didn't need to fully explain. He probably went "I don't really care I'm an artist so I'll tweet it" which is really powerful.

Do

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) October 5, 2019

I think realizing that the internet cannot fully let you express yourself is powerful because then, like Harry, you can just mess around and be as evasive and seemingly mysterious as you want.

In the end. these platforms aren't terrible, but we should always be aware of how they use us.

sources -

Me
GIPHY
NCT DAILY
Harry Styles